I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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