I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
