I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
