If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
