Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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