Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
