there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
