I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
