I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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