This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
