Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
