i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
