eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
