Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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