So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
zippers are such a cool invention
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
my liver is dry heaving
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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