nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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