Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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