All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
