Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
