anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
