Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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