# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
