This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
