is your mom at the bar?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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