She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
