hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
