Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
