I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
