The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
