I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
soo... how was my night?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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