Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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