its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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