my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
