We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
