the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
