Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
sarcasm needs its own font
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
