The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I checked into jail on foursquare
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
