Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
