My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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