I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i was born a porn star she said
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
