just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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