if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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