i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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