So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
