i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
