Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
