There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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