i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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