There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Randomize
