We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
