apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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