Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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