I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
