I am puke
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
