I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
