And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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