Michael Bay diarrhea
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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