I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
And then he peed in my hair
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