Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't deserve a penis
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
