i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
