She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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