there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
