Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
