When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Shame is for Republicans.
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