So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
