Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
