i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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