how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
