I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
